Late Bloomers

I had a discussion with Corey recently where he referred to us both as "late bloomers." I can't disagree with that. I got my B.A. later than most traditional aged students and just recently earned my M.F.A.

I was engaged to a man for four years. I was young, he was much older. After one postponement and the final cancellation, I left. The relationship was a disaster. Make no mistake, I chose to be there and got something out of it aside from chronic heartburn, acid reflux and gallbladder surgery. He was a classic narcissist and quite comfortable with the way things were. He didn't want me and everything I could offer, he wanted a trophy wife, someone unique, exotic to be paraded out for company functions. And I wasn't ready to show up with everything I had to offer. When I first moved there, a suburb outside of Oakland, I thought in some twisted way that I would find the stability there that I felt I lacked growing up. Was there stability? Yes. But it was the kind that restricted, restrained, suppressed any kind of movement, growth or change. To struggle against that suppression was difficult to say the least. Especially when some of it was self induced. Rage inducing for all involved including the two kids who were present every other week; their mother living just down the street. I couldn't stand the daughter, she was seventeen when I left and it wasn't completely her fault that she was the way she was. But more than that, I couldn't stand the man I had almost married and in some sense, myself for feeling like I had used and allowed myself to be used. They were a white family who only left the confines of Danville if they were going to the theater in the city. After that relationship, I thought I wouldn't want kids, that being a stepparent to the daughter had ruined it all for me. In a weird way though, I wouldn't be the person I am today without those experiences, those emotions, that RAGE. More on this later...stepparenting and the details of that relationship is another post.

At thirty-two though, I feel my biological clock ticking, most of the time it's on mute, other times I feel like Captain Hook with the croc coming after me, the loud tick tick TICKING stalking me. But that's just another part of myself I'm making peace with. My sister who is three years younger was recently married and now has a beautiful 5 month old daughter. I covet my niece, my sister's wedding band...I don't want the sameness of her life because it's just not me, never will be. But there is a part of me that, as has been noticed, gets a daily fix of babies by looking at pictures of my niece, friends' family photos, wedding pictures. It's not something that I long for or yearn for, it's not something I feel is lacking in my life. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing in my own way, my own time. But I want it.

As for marriage, I want that too. But again, in our own way, our own time. I no longer get the question from relatives "So, when are you getting married?" Now it's "So, when are you two finally going to be back together?" We've been doing a long distance relationship since January and I think most people would say that without a doubt it sucks. In some ways, it most certainly does. But, I feel stronger, I know more about myself, I try to be completely present in my day and although I'm not always successful, I have to say it's been a good year. I've heard from several people that weddings are more for the families than for the couple. I don't want that. Don't get me wrong, I want my family to be a witness to it but it's a conscious deliberate choice between two people, including how, when and where. I don't think that should change because the families want a say in if it's a sit down dinner, buffet or cocktails....maybe I'm being harsh or selfish, but I don't think so. And given the day, I think I can be.

With that said, my apartment is a mess and I must make some kind of attempt to clean. I'm beginning to offend myself.